


Enemy of the Babylon

by Half_Fallen



Category: System of a Down (Band)
Genre: Angst, Daron-Centric, Derj, Feelings, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Self-Hatred, Trans Character, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:53:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28141200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Half_Fallen/pseuds/Half_Fallen
Summary: You see, telling your boyfriend of two months who is also your band mate for over 3 years that you were born a female is not something that hasn’t crossed Daron’s mind. This fact is only logical, but the topic has never come up. How could it be? It’s not like one simply doubts something like that and has to ask. Their friendship has been amazing enough so that bringing up the fact that Daron is trans has felt like unnecessary information.
Relationships: Daron Malakian/Serj Tankian
Comments: 2
Kudos: 11





	Enemy of the Babylon

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, lovelies! Apparently November 5th brought many things back, including me into the world of fanfictions, ao3 and hell, even wattpad! I though it could never happen, but here i am, falling in love with yet another ship and listening to countless hours of albums. Seeing as SOAD are alive and kicking, I hope you enjoy this fic!

Unmovable Daron stays as he checks himself in the mirror with his hands gripping both sides of the sink rather too harsh. The protruding veins in his forearm are shadowed by the faint light coming from the small bathroom window as his fingers clench and unclench, putting tension on the wiry muscles.

He can feel anxiety rising up his throat. At some point he knows he has to go back to the hotel bed he is sharing with Serj. They have most often shared hotel rooms, but ever since they started dating 2 months ago that has become the default. The weak first light of the day shadows his face in a way that makes him look younger, in a way that takes him back to the body he was born in, in a way that makes his blood boil and his soul get drenched in cold disappointment.

His left hand rises slowly to his faint stubble, eyes never leaving the mirror, noticing his feminine hand with long, delicate, thin fingers. It only makes him want to break down harder. Long time accumulated fury bubbles up in his chest as his jaw sets. All he can see are distorted images of the body he was born in, as if the change never happened. But Daron has a bigger problem than his immaculate self-hatred right now.

You see, telling your boyfriend of two months who is also your band mate for over 3 years that you were born a female is not something that hasn’t crossed Daron’s mind. This fact is only logical, but the topic has never come up. How could it be? It’s not like one simply doubts something like that and has to ask. Their friendship has been amazing enough so that bringing up the fact that Daron is trans has felt like unnecessary information. After all, when Daron and Serj met, Daron had already undergone mastectomy and was in testosterone therapy.

It felt liberating for someone to see Daron exactly like he had seen himself all his life, a man. Serj never doubted, never asked, never pried in his childhood and Daron was thankful for that.

After they started dating, Daron told Serj that he wanted to take it slow and Serj seemed ok with it. It was hard to do so, when all he wanted to do was be pinned against a wall by the older man and have him fuck Daron senseless. But the guilt and shame he felt inside were much greater and deep down, Daron knew that he was running out of time. Something needed to be done and quick. He couldn’t help, but feel mortified by the idea, though. A lot of things being at stake just made it harder.

With a sigh he lowers his eyes from his reflection in the mirror feeling that he has had enough for tonight. His cold, naked feet pad the way to the bed, being careful not to wake the other man. When he gets close enough to the bed to make out Serj’s features in the dim light of the early morning, Daron cannot help but stop for a moment and stare. Serj is so beautiful, so peaceful, so undeserving of somebody like Daron…

He lies down cautiously and quietly gets under the covers. A heavy arm makes its way around his middle as if on instinct and Serj’s scent surrounds him, calming him, making him forget, lulling him to sleep.

He starts the morning feeling off. He cannot help but feel irritation at everything that surrounds him, like some sort of itch that constantly rides up and down under his skin in hopes to drive him mad. Nothing seems to be going his way and the urge to drop everything and hide somewhere and smoke gets bigger as the day progresses. He finds himself sighing more often than not during rehearsals.

One particularly bad moment occurs when Shavo mistakes yet another time the cords for their new song.

“ Shavo, you cunt! It’s not supposed to be like that! Can you even read what I’ve written?” He yells from the end of the room, over where he is practicing his own cords. He sees Shavo flip him off and continue unbothered by the critique, it irritates him further. Daron huffs and tries to concentrate on his own cords, but it seems impossible with the whole noise that encloses him.

“What’s got your panties in a twist?” He can hear John ask from where he stands over at the drum set.

“How is that any of your fucking business?” Daron snaps back a bit too harsh. It’s not like the band didn’t get to see him moody like this, on contrary it was quite the opposite, but today he felt more snappish than usual.

“Wow, chill man! In your periods much?” John taunts and well, that shouldn’t have made him as mad as it did. He breathes in deeply.

Deciding that he has had enough he unplugs the guitar and drops it on the floor, making his way for the exit rather quickly while making sure that John saw very well his two middle fingers.

At the point when he gets out of the building he feels like he cannot breathe. His lungs feel like they’re on fire and emotions meddled with tears are clogged on the back of his throat holding back a scream that would probably alarm an entire neighborhood.

Deep down he knows the comment was unintentional, hell maybe even an attempt at being funny, but it stings nonetheless. The thoughts of the previous night that he buried in Serj’s arm reappear, only stronger and meaner and Darn needs a smoke… hell, he needs an entire bag of weed.

Leaning down on the emergency stairs of the building they are currently rehearsing at, he takes out his pack of smokes and his white lighter. The coldness of the metal seems to sober the rage in him whatsoever and the flame of the lighter warm his nose only momentarily.

He is in deep shit. 

There is no other way to put it.

Running a hand through his short, bleached hair he exhales a shaky breath. It feels a bit chilly, they’re in Chicago after all and Daron feels himself hunching a bit. He can hear the door to the building open and close and he sighs again.

“What do you want?” He voices, knowing fairly well who is approaching him.

“Are you ok?” The unmistakable voice of his lover is heard. The kind and worry ever so present. Serj was always so kind, so gentle in everything he did, so selfless. It would often take Daron by surprise seeing as he had always been a catastrophe waiting to happen. Serj would get mad rarely and even then the only indication would be his eyebrows frowning in a gentle way. He had never in this life seen Serj do as much as raise his voice in situations. Daron was quite the contrary. He was an emotional ticking bomb, ready to explode at any given moment under the right trigger. He was all loud and silver tongued, bouncing and gangly limbs, where Serj was calm and gentle and laid back.

“I’m fine.” He answers shortly. _I’m hiding from you a very unimportant fact that will ruin not only our relationship but our career and the band as well._ He thinks. The itch under his skin gets worse and he takes a longer drag from his cigarette, scratching away at his wrist.

“D’, has something been bothering you lately?” He can hear the concern in his boyfriend’s voice, his angelic boyfriend that is way too good for him and it feels like a stab in the chest. Like a stab in his deformed and mutilated chest. A wave of self-loathing runs through his body like electricity. He hasn’t quite felt like this ever since he got those disgusting meat flaps removed from him.

He remembers working overtime in shifts at fast food chains wherever he could just to make enough money to have them cut off. He remembers the binders and the anguish and utter despise. He does not know why all of this is coming back all of sudden.

Daron can hear his boyfriend approaching as his footsteps crackle in white gravel. In no time Serj is standing right in front of him, his eyes kind and forgiving as always and Daron wants to gauge his own out. One of his hands comes up to rest on Daron’s cheek as his thumb runs throught his cheekbone. Serj smiles and everything about him is soft and warm and fills Daron with such love for the man.

“I’m here for you, baby.” He says ever so softly. “Always here for you, never forget that.” Daron smiles faintly and nuzzles up to his touch as if it were the only source of heat left in the universe. _Why the fuck is it so cold?_

He doesn’t deserve the man.

After that, the day goes by almost uneventfully, but the tick under Daron’s skin does not. He grits his teeth through countless hours of rehearsals that seem to have no end. When it finally does end, he makes the fastest exit known in the history of earth that can be considered polite. The light outside has dimmed considerably considering the fact that the land of icy winds was entering winter. Wrapping his thin arms around his torso as an attempt to warm up, Daron starts walking towards the car. He must be coming down with something, because this is highly unusual for him.

Serj is quick to follow after, but Daron notices him only when he drapes his jacket over Daron’s shoulders. It smells overwhelmingly like Serj, and it warms Daron in a matter of moments.

“Noticed you looked cold.”Serj says as he unlocks the car and gets in the driver’s side.

“Yeah,” Daron replies, “I don’t know, I think I am coming down with something or something.” As he buckles himself up. His eyes fall on Serj’s hands gripping the gear, casually tapping his fingers against it with some unspoken rhythm on his head then gripping it again. His eyes rise further up to his meaty forearm, veiny and hairy and so generally manly. He did not understand why these simple things were having such an impact on him today.

As if on cue, Serj turns to look at him through his jet black sunglasses and he smirks. The fucker smirks.

“What’s up baby boy?” Serj asks with a cheeky tone in his voice and Daron’s insides go all mushy. They always do that when Serj calls him by that nickname. “Like what you see?” He teases, showing sharp teeth that Daron wants to violently cover with his own lips.

Daron huffs instead. “Making sure your giant ass doesn’t crash us, baby.” He means to say the last word in a mocking tone, but it doesn’t come out holding quite the impact. Serj smirks again and does not reply.

The ride was short and as they reached the hotel, Daron felt some sort of liberation thinking about laying down and preferably not getting up for a good four days. As if he had the chance! At the age of 24 he felt he was most definitely getting old and he blamed it entirely on Serj.

The taller coming out of the bathroom and plopping himself on the bed pulls Daron out of his thoughts, turning his attention towards his boyfriend that extends his arms to bring Daron closer to him so his head is resting in Serj’s chest. He then kisses the younger’s forehead and lies in silence for a couple of moments.

And Daron is no sap, but if he catches himself enjoying the rhythmic sound of Serj’s heartbeat he is not to blame. Everything about him is so calming, to the point that it doesn’t matter what Daron is on, being close to Serj will instantly bring him to a moment of peace and close hibernation.

Time passes without them noticing and eventually Serj gets up to order room service and Daron decides to change to something more comfortable. He pointedly ignores his reflection on the bathroom wall as he changes into a pair of loose pajama bottoms and a soft sweater and goes out.

He notices as Serj’s eyes soften immediately as they see him and anxiety finds its way through the younger boy’s veins. There is a fucking jungle in the room and Serj dances around it oblivious. Mindlessly he scratches his wrist and wants to fill his lungs with smoke so they feel like he’s drowning anymore.

“Baby boy, what’s wrong?” Perhaps it was his wide, unfocused eyes lost in a long, terrifying moment of realization, or perhaps the absolute stench of his anguish, but Serj is now looking at him as he gently approaches forwards much like he had done earlier in the day.

As much as he wants, Daron cannot take body contact right now or else he will collapse. Dodging any form of body contact, Daron sits on the armchair near the window and crosses his legs, resting his arms on them.

“Just a bit stressed man, that’s all. You know how I sometimes get before gigs.” Serj seems to understand his silent request for distance and sits on the bed instead.

“I’m here if you wanna talk.” He offers. As soon as Daron opens his mouth to respond, there is a knock on the door. Serj gets up to open it and receive the room service as Daron tries to breathe and keep himself from falling into the endless pit that his mind had become.

They eat in a moderate silence, each lost in their own head. Serj occasionally taps his fingers on the table in a rhythm that resembles the one in the car.

Fatigue catches up with them and eventually they end up on the bed with Daron feeling cold even though he is wearing layers. He nuzzles closer to Serj smiling as the singer wraps his arms around Daron. He feels warmer instantly, the kind of warmth that warms his soul and he breathes in deeply into Serj’s scent.

“You are resembling a police dog more and more each day, I swear.” Serj says laughing and Daron’s whole being vibrates with it. He laughs too and breathes in again.

“Yeah, I’ll take all your drugs. Gimme!” Daron says with a huff of laughter. “It’s not my fault you smell so good.” He admits, closing his eyes as Serj’s heartbeat is the last thing his mind registers before falling asleep.

Next time he opens them there is a very uncomfortable pain on his lower back and the feeling of wetness between his legs. It takes him a moment to register before he freezes in terror.

Oh no! Oh no, no, no, no! No!

His breathing comes ragged as he tries to pull the covers away only for the dim light of the city to confirm what he feared the most.

“Dar, are you ok?” He hears from his side Serj’s groggy voice, somewhat alarmed and only then realizes he’s shaking. “Oh my fucking god, Daron you’re bleeding!” He exclaims after he turns on the light and gets up from the bed alarmed.

“Serj, no-“

“We need to call an ambulance!” Serj starts roaming through the room.

“Serj-” He starts again. The man seems to go around the room, searching for God knows what and Daron is interrupted again.

“Where does it hurt?”

“Serj! It’s my fucking period!” He stammers, waiting for the impact.

“That’s not funny Daron.” Serj responds, voice somewhat shaky as he looks Daron in the eye. Daron lowers his eyes to the ground. “I’m serious! I was born a fucking girl!” He exclaims and runs for the bathroom. He cannot bear to stay any longer in the same room as Serj, he cannot bear the scrutinizing gaze as Serj rightfully demands answers that he was supposed to know since the very beginning.

He takes off his pants and underwear as if he was burned by them. There is such violence rising as tall dangerous waves in his chest, he feels like he needs to scream and maybe he does because he can hear Serj frantically knocking on the door calling his name. He swallows down painfully as he wipes away the blood. The fucking traitor blood! He sobs then, falling to his knees as he tries to breathe. The ever building wrath breaks the last crack on the dam of his emotions as it engulfs his chest like boiling, bitter poison.

He screams again then, the sound muffled by the wetness of his tears. Serj is calling his name with more urgency now as the knocking turns to livid slams. The seething tug in his lower belly makes his fist ball up and slam everywhere, against his thighs, his mutilated chest, his worthless womb, the walls, his head. He cannot take it anymore. He sobs again.

“Daron, open this door or I will break it down!” Only then the younger guys’s mind registers Serj’s voice and something in him sobers up. Crying still he gets up, wraps a towel around his lower region and unlocks the door. Serj looks worried, his kind eyes filled with panic, muscles tense and Daron dares not meet his eyes. He walks past him and sits down on the bed, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand.

“Daron,” Serj spoke, his voice ever so gentle.

“I’m sorry.” Daron interrupts, knowing fully well this is not a situation he can bat his eyes at and apologize. He stands and goes for his duffle bag, pulling random items of clothing as he continues: “I will pack my shit and get out of your life, you don’t even need to tell me.”

“Daron.” Serj calls. But Daron doesn’t seem to hear, too lost in his internal debate as he continues throwing clothes around. He looks so small and vulnerable as he breaks Serj’s heart with every other sniffle. “Daron,” he calls louder and this time Daron turns around to look at him in the eye with scarlet red, tear streaked face.

“Baby, what are you doing? Calm down, let’s talk about it.” Serj offers quietly enough not to hurt Daron more. He can see gears going off in Daron’s head as his eyes get worn in confusion.

“Talk about what? The fact that I lied to you about having a cunt?” The harsh words make Serj wince. There seems to be such hatred in his voice as he speaks about himself. How come he had concealed it so well for such a long time?

“You did not lie to me ok?” Serj raises his voice. “You did not! Daron,” He says this name quieter and Daron wants to scoff. He scratches his wrist violently as the muscles on his neck tense all together. They feel like they are just about to snap.

“You are a man, despite the body you were born in, isn’t that right?” Serj tries to reason and Daron listens. “It does not matter to me, baby!” He has gotten so close to Daron, enough close for Daron to smell his comforting scent. He wants to run away!

“You did not lie, ok?” His kind eyes light up his whole face as he talk to Daron, smiling sadly. “It’s ok. I fell in love with Daron, way before any of this could stop it, Way before you noticed. Please listen to me.” He pleads and Daron looks at him in the eye, closing them softly as Serj wipes off a tear with his thumb.

“It’s ok!” Serj reassures again. “I don’t hate you. You did not lie to me. Everything is ok.”

“You sure?” Daron quaked. His voice is beyond ruined, scratchy and full of pain and Serj’s heart leaps painfully.

“Sure. So sure, baby boy.” He says and hugs the little man, his little man. Daron hugs back just as tightly, breathing in his scent.

“Come on now,” The taller man says, causing them to break their hug, “lets’ get you in some warm clothes and some pain killers, yeah?” Daron only nods as he looks up at Serj with such love. He doesn’t deserve him.

Later that early morning, Serj holds him like he has never held anyone before in his life as he whispers sweet things in his ear until he falls asleep again.

In the morning, as the whole band is having breakfast together, John and Shavo cannot help but notice how uncharacteristically quiet Daron is. He has his eyes lowered on the plate before him as he sips quietly on his black coffee. Serj next to him, seems to be just as quiet, but Serj was mostly quiet.

Shavo tries to break the ice once or twice by initiating small conversation, and the band easily falls into it, speaking about this or that. Yet, he cannot help but notice that Daron remains unusually quiet.

The situation presumes on the studio they are momentarily using as well. Daron continues keeping to himself, not even commenting on mistakes that Shavo does on purpose as a way to test him. The boy looks tired, and not even the good high kind of tired. It seems more around the lines of he hasn’t slept in days tired by the way his eye bags hang over his big expressive eyes that seem emotionless today. Shavo has no clue on what that could be about, but whatever it is Serj seems to be on board with him.

Eventually, when they decide to take a five and Daron seems like he will collapse Shavo decides to approach him.

“Hey, man, you ok?” He questions and Daron turns to look at him.

“Just peachy.” He responds, attitude apparently on point. That hasn’t changed. “How you doin’?” He asks back, on a tone that’s less… Shavo does not know how to put it.

“I’m ok.” Shavo responds and suddenly Daron gets up.

“Can you guys gather up please?” Daron announces, there is something hiding behind his eyes, like a curtain of some emotional turmoil, yet it is the most Shavo has seen from him. John and Serj gather in no time and Shavo notices that whatever it is about to happen, Serj already knows. He notices how his eyes fall on Daron ever so gentle as if one harsh look could break the guy to pieces. He always been this way towards Daron, they all had been, but Serj took the cake. Shavo still to this day taunts John on the lost bet the day Serj and Daron came out about their relationship.

“So…” He starts, hands fidgeting, nervousness visible in the way his eyes cast down and he bites his lip. “I have something very important to tell you guys, and as expected, Serj already knows.” Serj moves to stand by his side, putting his hand gently on Daron’s shoulder. John is uncharacteristically quiet and that makes the situation way serious.

“There is no easy way to go about it, so whatever, I’m just fucking gonna go for it… I was born a girl.” The words blurt out of Daron’s mouth and there is a moment of silence. Daron expects a joke, maybe laughter, maybe disbelief. But the guys stay silent in front of him. Slight anxiety creeps up on him, but John speaks before he has time to regret everything as the urge for a smoke rises.

“Awwwh, don’t worry man. You got bigger balls than me and Shavo combined.” He laughs and moves forward to hug Daron and Shavo watches as his face changes from anxious to surprise. He stares at Serj and Serj stares back at him with this cryptic ever calm stare as Daron and John stop sharing body contact. Daron looks at him, anticipating and the anxiety is back in his features and Shavo smiles and opens his arms for a hug that Daron happily complies to.

“Aren’t you guys even a bit worried, or surprised or anything?” Daron asks after a bit of silence.

“Worried, no. Surprised… well we have learned to expect the unexpected with you, man.” John states.

“Yeah, man. You’ve shook us enough for us to mind such thing. Frankly I don’t give a fuck about what’s between your legs as long as you rock the stage and are a semi decent human being every once on a blue moon.” Daron stares at him, in somewhat of a disbelief and laughs then.

“Will do.” Daron responds.

Later that afternoon it doesn’t go unnoticed by Shavo, how Daron pops two painkillers with half a bottle of water.

“What’s that for?” He asks, observing.

“Pain relief.” Daron answers simply. John snickers and Shavo rolls his eyes.

“Yeah, but what for?” He presses again. Somehow he feels like he has to ask, not because he is usually nosy, but it seems for some weird reason like he really, really has to.

“Period pain.” Daron admits.

“You still get them?” Shavo asks surprised. Daron seems to sense his surprise and is quick to ask;

“Not really, been three years free. I don’t know why now. Maybe t-shots are lacking.”

“You need to see someone, buddy, and fast.” Shavo says with seriousness in his voice that indicates the importance of the matter. “That is not normal.”

“Since when are you a doctor, Mr. Odadjian?” John asks, but Daron just nods his head and the conversation is left at that.

And as the sun sets in the ruthless, cold city of Chicago, Daron can feel that a winter is coming, but for now, maybe just for a little bit longer, things will be alright.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I still think that we need more representation of trans characters into fics, but well, any decent SOAD fic would make me happy, seeing as there are not many around. I hope you liked it and I would be so happy to know what you guys think! Much love! <3


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